Enemy Perspective:
Rivalry Relationship Rules
This article appeared in the September 19, 2007 issue of Barstool Sports.
Web site: Barstoolsports.com
Before get to this week's column, I want to apologize to my loyal readers for missing the last issue. I know there are so many of you out there who depend on me to get through the week. (Let's also hope that isn't the funniest joke in this column.)
I missed the column because I was losing myself in a bottle for the entirety of Labor Day weekend. My girlfriend of a year and a half dumped my sorry ass, and I coped like many a man before me: I got really, really, stupid drunk.
But while I've been taking the rejection out on my liver, I've also had time to contemplate what went wrong in the relationship. There were several items at odds, some of which you could blame one of us for, and others that were no one's fault at all.
And, believe it or not, I noticed quite a few similarities between the bad things in my relationship and the Yankees and Sox rivalry. That's right, my relationship reminded me of baseball. That's how severely messed up I am.
So with all that in mind, I'm comparing the things that were wrong with my relationship to the Sox and Yankees in what I'm calling "Rivalry Relationship Rules." I'm doling out advice by the bucketload, so if you're in a relationship, well, you probably shouldn't read this.
Rule#1: Don't mess around with people younger than you.
My girlfriend was four years my junior. She's only 26. At 26 I was--well, I'm not going to tell you what I was doing, but it didn't involve serious relationships. I'm not saying I wanted to get married or anything, but she clearly was not ready for that. I should have realized that in advance, but I completely overlooked this fact.
This year, we've had more young blood in the Rivalry than ever before, especially in the pitching department. These kids have come in and put the veteran players on their asses--or on call. Clay Buchholz goes out and tosses a no-hitter in his second major league start. Joba "Have you heard that I'm American Indian?" Chamberlain pitches about 15 scoreless innings to start his career. Pedroia should win the ROY. Melky C. takes over CF for the Yanks. Cano, Wang, Delcarmen, Kennedy. Ellsbury scares the crap out of me on the bases. And if you are not excited for Hughes-Buckholz for the next ten years, I'm going to lock you in a room with some O.J. memorabilia.
I love watching these young guys one-up the veterans, especially Johnny Damon losing his starting job. Finally, something fans on both sides can enjoy. (At least until Sox fans see Melky throw.)
Rule #2: When people from Boston go to New York, and vice versa, bad things happen.
My relationship was a long distance one. I live in the Hub and she lives in the Apple. That was just doomed from the start. You can't go that long without one person getting fed up with all the travel and the work it takes to stay connected--not to mention their "eyes" wandering.
The Yankees swept the Sox the last time they came down to NYC, and the Yankees have blown four different leads at Fenway this year--even if they did just grab 2 of 3 in the last series. (More on that later.)
These two cities just don't mix; they're like Brittney Spears and performing. (Obligatory Spears joke, check.)
Rule #3: If someone in their life doesn't like you, you're in trouble.
My Ex gave a few reasons for ending it, but one was that her parents didn't like me. That was odd, because parents always like me--I'm pretty much every mother's wet dream for their daughter. I have exceptional manners, have a really good job, I'm well-spoken, highly-educated, dress well and--I have no idea if mothers and daughters talk about this stuff but I'm going to put it out there because I'm single now and I think the ladies should know--am absolutely amazing in the bedroom by all accounts. (Awwww yeah...) I'm also modest.
So Joba throws two 99-mph fastballs over the head of Kevin Use-eless a month ago. Everyone gets fired up. We see the highlight 200 times before the last series. Then when Dice-K accidentally plunks Alex in the first inning in Friday's game, people start talking like it was retribution. Really, with two men on to load the bases? I'm not sure what the hell Chamberlain was thinking, but even if you hate a guy you do not throw heat at someone's head. I'm surprised we didn't see a "I have to feed my family" quote from Youkilis after that one.
The only explanation I can think of: Is Youk related to anyone who served in the American Cavalry in the 1800s? Did his great-great-grandfather fight at Little Big Horn? Wounded Knee? Did Youk say something bad about Dances with Wolves?
Rule #4: If you notice someone wants to spend less time with you, get ready for a break up.
My girlfriend's interest in visiting me in Boston tailed off over the last few months, yet another fact I purposefully overlooked. Why are people so inherently stupid in relationships? People will overlook anything. "Oh, it's okay, she just stabbed me with a knife. I'm sure I had a bug on me or something."
This one goes to Damon and The Apologizer, who will likely both be sent packing. (Damon definitely, Giambi if they can unload his contract, which is doubtful.) The Yankees just have no real need for these guys anymore. Melky can do everything Damon can do--but better. Giambi dropped about 6 balls in the series over the weekend and is batting .242 on the year. He's overstayed his welcome. If Andy Phillips hadn't gotten hurt, I'm not sure Giambi sees any time.
On the Sox side, the $70 million dollar mistake is about to get replaced by Jacoby Ellsbury when Manny comes back. This will happen, unless Franconer gets pressured by Epstein to live with this mistake, which very well could also happen.
Rule #5: You need to recognize when it's over, and move on.
Similar to the previous rule, but not really. Like anyone would, I tried to talk my Ex out of ending the relationship. But that was dumb. If someone doesn't want to be with you, you need to recognize it and get the hell out--more fish in the sea, plenty of bitches and hoes out there, etc.
I have also been hanging on to my hopes that the Yanks could still win the division. The truth is, the division was lost over Labor Day weekend. If you remember, the Yankees had just swept the Sox (I know you remember that) and Derek Jeter now famously said, "This doesn't mean anything if we can't beat Tampa Bay," who the Yankees were facing that weekend.
But the Yankees shit the bed, losing two of three. A five-game deficit became a seven-game deficit and the Yankees were done, even if they didn't realize it. Then it was absolutely lost two weeks later when Tampa Bay should have swept the Sox but couldn't hold on to big leads twice.
A Yankees sweep in the last series was the only way they were going to have a chance. They pulled off a miracle comeback on Friday in a game so long I can't remember the end because I had been drinking since getting out of work and the game ended at midnight; but losing big on Saturday was the nail in the coffin. (Winning two games in a series only earns you a one-game change the in standings. Duh.)
So I'm finally ready to concede. The Division will belong to the Red Sox for the first time in a decade. Congratulations, Sox fans.
When the Indians are playing the Angels for the AL title, we'll all know it didn't make a damn difference.
And then you can join me at the bar for a beverage to drown your sorrows, too.
BACK TO ARTICLES
BACK TO MAIN