Enemy Perspective:
Goodbye, Mercenary (and more)
This article appeared in the October 31, 2007 issue of Barstool Sports.
Web site: Barstoolsports.com
Dear Alex,
When Ken Rosenthal sucker-punched us during Game 4 of the World Series with news that you were opting out, we have to admit we were a little shocked. Do you really want to go into the Hall of Fame as a Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim Angel? Seriously, your purple lipstick doesn't go well with red.
We hope someday we're rich enough to see the difference between $27 and $30 million. Without the Yankees involved, that's all the difference you're going to get. We knew you were a spineless bitch who couldn't make his own decisions. And we knew you had to have your jackass agent make them for you, but your MVP numbers had blinded us to this truth. We feel duped. In the end, you are who we thought you were.
Thanks for carrying our team to the playoffs this year, earning a ton of good-will from all of us and then throwing it all back in our faces. We're sorry we wasted our breath defending you for the past few years. For the record, slapping that ball out of Arroyo's glove was the most faggoty move we have ever seen. We have never been so embarrassed as a Yankees fan in our lives. Next time, just go piss on Babe Ruth's plaque so we can all see what a cheating low-life whore you really are. We can't wait to see your name is on the Mitchell Report.
From now on, we will no longer refer to you by your name or stupid abbreviated nickname. You're officially "The Mercenary." No, that's not a compliment, even if it sounds kind of cool.
On the bright side, it will be much easier to cheat on your wife and get away with it in Chicago or L.A.
We're glad we won't have to deal with you choking in the postseason next year.
Speaking of next year, when the Yankees win the World Series without you, we hope they have a webcam wherever you are so that we can see how much you don't give a crap. Thanks for proving to the world that you didn't have the balls to make it in New York, you gigantic pussy. We're glad they made you play 3rd base until you were past your prime defensively and ruined your chance to become the best shortstop in the history of the game.
By the way, we always liked Jeter more. You, sir, are no Derek Jeter.
Burn in hell.
Sincerely,
Yankees fans everywhere
Because this is likely my last article of the season--I spend too much time gambling on football to write about it--and there are quite a few things I want to cover, I'm switching to "numbered letter" format for the rest of the article. Best enjoyed with an ice cold glass of shut the fuck up, I'm aware the Yankees got eliminated by a swarm of bugs and their best player has now opted out.
1. As for Joe Torre: The Yankees have a clearly stated goal each and every year: win the World Series. Let's say I'm a salesman with a clearly stated sales goal of $1 million. If I sell between $600K and $900K every year for seven years in a row, I'd expect to be fired. I certainly wouldn't be offered an extension that would still make me the highest-paid salesman in the company--no matter what I did in the past. Joe forgot this was a business. He was given all the tools he needed to win. He failed. End of story.
B. The New manager: This will probably be decided by the time you actually read this, but I'm hoping for Joe Girardi. I love Donnie Baseball (Do you hear that A-Rod? He's Donnie Baseball. Good luck earning a glorifying nickname like that playing for a lesser franchise) but I'm afraid he'll be a reincarnation of Joe Torre. And on behalf of Joba Chamberlain's arm, I'm really hoping that it's Girardi. Girardi was a catcher, he understands pitchers. How much of being a manager is about pitching changes? 80%? Let's ask Scott Proctor's deceased career. Girardi, please.
3. The Red Sox won something called the World Series: I don't know much about this "World Series" thing. Apparently, the two best teams in the league play each other and the winner gets crowned "champion." It's supposed to be wild. I hope it catches on.
D. If the Red Sox win a World Series and it hasn't been 86 years since their last title, does anyone care? I went out in Fenway on Thursday, hit four different bars, and there wasn't a single line anywhere. In 2004, you couldn't even get to Landsdowne Street, let alone in a bar. Sox fans dropped the ball on this one like a drunk Julio Lugo. Seriously.
9. The National League should be disbanded: It's 2007. We have pitchers from Taiwan and hitters from the Dominican. I think we can find a couple guys to hit for the pitchers in both leagues. Ryan Spilborghs was the DH for the Rockies. I mean, really? Ryan Spilborghs? Are we shocked that team got swept? Ryan Spilborghs. Seriously.
P. The Mercenary won't be on the Red Sox: There is no reason to sign him. The Sox just won the WS with Julio Lugo at short. The team that has the best chance to dethrone them just lost its best player, meaning they got worse. Why commit $250 million-plus to a guy you don't need? That would be a dumb business decision. John Henry may be a little cooky, but he ain't dumb.
M. Yankees steal the spotlight: Speaking of Ken Rosenthal's punch to my crotch, I love the fact that the Yankees still managed to steal the thunder of the Sox on the verge of the Sox winning the World Series. Our good friends Joe and Timmay spent the entire 8th inning of a 1-run, World Series final Game 4 talking about a player from the soon-to-be-victorious team's hated arch rival. Of course, they were talking about how the rival was getting pounded in the ass by The Mercenary, but they were still talking about the Yankees.
F. I'll end with a non-baseball item: The Pats are kinda good. I'm not a Pats fan (Giants), and I don't really have anything to say that hasn't been said. I just feel that the Pats should be named in every piece of sportswriting (if this qualifies as that) that exists right now. I can't wait to see the NFL's first 30-point spread. And I'd still take the Pats. Seriously.
5. Have a great offseason: Yankees in 2008, bitches.
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